Sunday, November 24, 2013

The Gift of Gratitude


Last week, I read a post on Beverly Diehl’s blog addressing the word “gratitude.”  You can read her entry here:  www.writinginflow.blogspot.com  Beverly’s writing really enabled me to look past some recent events in my life (mostly to do with relationships within my family) and reflect about the impeccable gifts God and the Universe have kindly bestowed upon me instead. 
 

Around this time last year, as my family was preparing for Thanksgiving, I was preparing a eulogy for my love…my soul mate…my everything…my mother.  On Thanksgiving day, my mom was rushed to the hospital due to complications of a decaying liver.  It had failed on her just one year prior to Thanksgiving in November, 2011.  The doctors had given her one year to live because once the liver fails, there is no medicine nor holistic healing that can reverse or cure it.  Liver failure ultimately leads to death unless a new liver can be provided by an organ donator. 

My mother ordered my sisters and me to not come to the hospital on that frigidly cold and untimely holiday.  Even in her most lonesome and dreaded hours, she would have sacrificed more time spent with us for our own personal pleasures and obligations.  As much as we fought with her to spend mere moments in the hospital by her side, she insisted that we enjoy our Thanksgiving with my step-father, Daddy P.  My 84-year old grandmother, however, did not budge.  She held her daughter as a mother would hold their infant child in her arms while the hands of time crept slowly over the hospital windows.  My mother’s condition made it seem like she was an infant again; unable to speak in full sentences, go to the bathroom on her own, and think cognitive thoughts because of the toxins infiltrating her head.  Since her liver had deteriorated so badly, it was hard to understand even the simplest gestures she tried to convey to my grandmother and the nurses that day. 

I remember sitting there in the family room of Daddy P’s house and looking around at everyone.  Some were laughing and exchanging stories with each other while others were glued to the television watching an array of Christmas movies.  I started to reminisce about all of the irreplaceable memories I had of my mother and my step-father growing up.  They always seemed to make the holidays unforgettable for us and moments like this were kindred remembrances of the way things used to be before my mom had started drinking.  Life wasn’t perfect but there was always something beautiful and meaningful about my childhood.  During the holidays, I’ve learned to let go of the dark and horrible past and instead, be grateful for the wonderful times we did share as well as the future ahead.


But it was also during this time that I had started to write a eulogy for my mother.  I still have it filed away in one of my notebooks right next to my desk.  This tribute was an epic story about my mom and all of the love and adoration her life and her kind heart always intended to give to others.  I wrote the eulogy to serve as a dedication to my mother and everything that made her such an inspiration to me; both as a child and woman today.  I wanted it to be a constant reminder to everyone she didn’t just consume alcohol but alcohol consumed her.  It provided an escape for her and unfortunately, her tired and beaten soul wasn’t strong enough to fight back and shake the demons off of her shoulders. 
I mentioned this before in one of my posts about a stereotype in which alcoholics are mean, self-serving and filled with hatred and unkindness.  Although sometimes, this can be true (I know because I have seen it in others), my mother was nothing like this.  She was always trying to please others by putting her needs aside.  My mom was the type of person who would literally give the last dime in her wallet to purchase things we needed for school or after school activities, even if it meant she would be broke.  My friends have always adored her because they have seen the good in her which was only numbed by her alcohol consumption.  There were times when she would “change” into a different persona when her drinking exceeded well passed a quart of vodka.  But when it came down to it, she would have died for my sisters and me and given anything to make sure her family would always be taken care of.
 
After Thanksgiving passed, Christmas quickly came and my mother was very sick during this time.  She could barely walk on her own but somehow, her will to spend one last holiday with us overcame the odds of her being in the hospital for one last time.  She looked like a zombie, unable to hold a conversation and so yellow, she could have dressed up as a banana for Halloween.  Her belly was extremely bloated and appeared as though she was going to give birth to triplets.  My mom was also so horribly ill on Christmas that ultimately, she had to be rushed to the hospital the very next day. 
 
This was my mother on Christmas Day, 2012
You can see how decrepitly far from normal her appearance looked.
 
 
I didn’t see the following epiphany back then but it resonates throughout me now.  My mother was granted two wishes last year:  one; to be with her loved ones for a final time on her most beloved holiday of the year and two;  the miracle liver transplant she would need to spend many more holidays here, with all of us. 
When I read Beverly’s post and took out the eulogy and started reading it to myself, gratitude came banging down my incredulous walls.  After pondering and bickering to myself about what was lacking in my relationship with both my biological and step-fathers, I quickly mustarded up the fortitude my heart always contained but recently, forgotten.  Why was I so caught up on people who obviously weren’t as caught up on me when I had an amazing gift right here, bubbling all around my body?  The gift of gratitude was something I never asked for so I simply overlooked this eternal power of praise and glory.  It was literally shining through my windows with every speck of sunlight and view of a sky full of time which was handed down to me from the grace of God.

There are so many things I am grateful for this Thanksgiving.  First and foremost, having my mother here with me for however much more time God is willing to share her is invaluable.  Even though she has some complications and a prognosis that doesn’t seem promising, God seems to have his healing hands laid kindly upon her.  None of us know when our time will come but until then, let’s be thankful for the things we do have instead of beating ourselves up over the things we have no control over.

I won’t list every single thing I am appreciative for within this post.  I’m going to save those for my grateful jar; thanks Beverly!  I will, however, say this… speaking to others whether they are children when I’m visiting schools or helping to spread awareness to adults about the disease that almost killed my mother have been two gifts which I am proud to say I am grateful for.  I am so excited my mother will not be spending another Thanksgiving in the E.R. or Christmas week in a hospital bed, waiting for another liver transplant.  I’m happy to say that life isn’t so bad and thank you Jesus for blessing mine with the beautiful people in it as well as the wonderful ones I am so lucky to meet here. 
This is my mother now.
 

How do you feel about the word “gratitude.”  Is there anything you are grateful for?  How has your attitude changed over the years when thinking about the things you should always be thankful for?

17 comments:

  1. You are a great daughter, Gina! And I am so grateful that your mother is here with us today. <3

    I have something like a grateful jar on my desk. Whenever something good happens I write it down on a piece of paper and stick it in the jar. I forgot what it was called (silly me), but at the end of the year you can read all the strips of paper and remember the good things that happened throughout the year.

    And to answer one of your questions . . . I am grateful for our friendship. :)

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  2. Awww, Chrys, I too am grateful for our friendship=)
    And thank you so much for expressing your gratitude for my mom's presence. I'm sure if she is reading this now, she is sending many thanks you way!
    I'm actually in the process of hunting down the perfect jar for my notes of gratitude. I want to start the New Year with a jar filled with colorful notes=)

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  3. I'm so glad things worked out.
    And I love Chrys's, idea for the grateful jar.

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    1. Thank you, Sandra. And yes, the grateful jar is a fantastic idea!

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  4. May that jar fill way up to the brim and over. Glad your mother is recovering, Gina. Take great care of yourself, too!

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    1. I have so many things I am grateful for that it's going to take a long time for me to read them back to myself next year=) Thanks, Claudine!

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    2. Dear Gina, here's wishing you a warm, fulfilling Christmas & a beautifully glowing 2014. Have a great time with your family!

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  5. Gina, I'm crying as I type this. This is so beautiful. I'm so happy that you and your mom will be able to be together this Thanksgiving. God bless you both.

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    1. Wow, Kelly. I didn't mean to make you cry but you honestly made my day just knowing how you can relate to my experience. Thank you so much for reading; it means so much to my mother and me.

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  6. This is just wonderful, Gina. The joy and gratitude that emanates from this bathes us in love, and the love you have for your mother and the love that she has for you guys and life. What you said about us not consuming alcohol but alcohol consuming us...very true. For me, even before that first drink hit the back of my throat, I was already consumed with fears, anger and anxiety. I was full of self-pity, a sense of uselessness and the idea that I wasn't good enough for anyone. Alcohol gave me the temporary and illusionary escape from this all. And of course, alcohol then began to give me problems all on it's own. Health, of course, is a big one, and your mother clearly has had issues with that. But wow, what a difference in those pictures. She is beaming there in the end, and I love it. And how you are beaming too.

    Gratitude is such a big part of me when I start to feel down and blue. Sometimes it's the only thing that brings me out of it quickly. When I work with an another alcoholic, or come online and read the stories from others, I find gratitude fairly easily. It's the tonic to my old ways of thinking.

    Thank you for this, Gina, and sharing so openly with us. It's an honour to be a reader and friend.

    Blessings,
    Paul

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    1. It's astonishing what a transformation my mother has gone through; both physically and mentally. Only when the alcohol was no longer in control of her life was she able to start living again; truly. She became brighter, more livelier, ambitious, and of course, determined to get better.

      Gratitude can help us cope with our own battles from within by doing exactly what you mentioned above; by working with others and sharing our stories with one another. It allows us to feel and appreciate the wars we have won as well as prepare us for the ones which still lie ahead. Gratitude is our salvation and in turn, we owe it to ourselves to be thankful for the beauty and life we bask in every single day of our lives.

      Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts, Paul. I too feel honored to have someone like you as a friend=)

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  7. Yes! So often we forget to be thankful for the things we have! I decided to stop worrying about all the things I don't have and just be grateful for all the things I have and all the wonderful people in my life. I think gratitude is the key to getting the things we truly want. Thanks for sharing! So glad your mother was here with you this Thanksgiving!

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    1. That is the right attitude, Quanie. And it is so true; how gratitude is the key to getting the things we truly want. If we want things to happen and people to get better, we should always remember to be thankful for what we have presently as we continue pray for our own requests.
      Life without giving thanks is a life undecorated with the blessings we truly need to enrich our lives.

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  8. This is such a wonderful, wonderful story! I'm so glad that your mother has another chance at life. Your attitude is so heartwarming and inspiring. Thank you for sharing this, Gina.

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    1. Thank you so much, Vesper. My attitude is shaped by the positive experiences that have happened over the course of my life. I can only hope that it continues to get better and in doing so, I must remember to always give thanks.

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  9. Sorry to be so late getting over here, but happy the idea of the Gratitude jar inspired you. I'm currently going through some serious health challenges with my own family, and ?enjoying? possibly one last Thanksgiving with my oldest sister and her family. It's really a mixed bag of feelings when one or another family member is seriously ill: sadness, fear, love, memories, anger, wistfulness. While she may in fact get well again following her surgery this week, it's also possible she won't, and boy howdy is that difficult to wrap my mind around.

    Here's hoping that your mother's health continues to improve.

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  10. I'm so sorry to hear this, Beverly. I will make sure to keep your sister in my prayers. I understand how scary and painful it is to have to face the unknown, especially when the outcome might mean losing someone we love.
    When I had nothing left inside, I looked toward prayer and depended on it to get me through. I believe it has helped our family tremendously so I will be praying hard for you and your sister.

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