One my favorite psalms states, “Be not fearful because I am with you. Be not afraid.” I think about both God and my mother when I meditate on this. They are the only two entities who I ever truly felt protected me. Even when my mother was in her darkest days, she was always my protector.
My prayer was answered when I put the radio back on and continued driving down the road. At that very moment, the radio host read those words from the psalm stated above.I was searching for something to get me through the unbearable news that my mother had no choice but to bestow upon me. I couldn’t see her, but I felt her, right through the phone. I experienced her sadness, sorrow and frustration; all boiling down to one big moment of disappointment and despair. I thought we had conquered these trials and tribulations when my mom received her new liver this past Christmas.
My heart continued to sink further down into my stomach, somewhere within the driver’s seat. I was so angry, dismal, worried, and desperate to find the strength that my heart stumbled upon when my mom had first been diagnosed with cirrhosis. I was stronger back then because I knew that God’s grace would carry us all to a better place and understanding. I felt it just like I felt my mother’s feelings; constantly. I knew deep down that God was going to allow me to spend more time with her because he wanted us to carry out our mission to save His lost children. His children who are just like what my mother used to be; zombies, incapable of thinking and making good decisions on their own, in need of someone who has been down that dark road. God had a plan for us to show people they are not alone by giving my mother to them. He stripped away all of the guilt and shame by giving her a purpose to save lives.
So you can imagine how I felt when my mother shared the dreadful news that her name must be placed back onto the liver-transplant list. The doctors had warned us because an abscess had already formed on her new liver, there might be more to come. These abscesses cause infections in the blood and clog arteries, eventually affecting all of the major organs in her body. What is even more devastating is that this liver is going to fail on her. I can’t even think of the right words to say as I sit here and type and try to share this with you, my friends and fellow authors. The only thing that keeps me going is the incredible skyline outside of my window and a painting of the mountains and sea that we purchased from a small gallery in Camden, Maine.
Nature and unconditional beauty like this remind me God has a plan. Although I don’t have a clue what that plan might be, I must tread forward and not forget about the things that my mother and I have learned so far. Even if my mom’s path seems a bit foggy for her now, there must be a clearing in the road less traveled ahead. I will submit to the grace of my heart and take her hand as I try to lead her to a better and brighter light through the dark mist.As hard as this may be, I have to remind people about the grave message we set out to deliver. Our life is not ours to take for granted. God has a purpose for each and every single one of us. My mother abused one of the greatest gifts that a human could possibly get; to live here on Earth and experience gifts like love, family, and spiritual and knowledgeable growth. Some people believe that they can abuse their bodies until something bad happens and then they can change. I know this because like my mother, I used to be that kind of person; on a continuously downward spiral until a wakeup call would be summoned.
But we have to remember that sometimes, even though we have an opportunity to answer to that call, it’s not always in our ability or God’s will to have that second chance. If we are blessed enough to have second chances like receiving a new organ or getting a slap on the wrist for committing a crime that we should have never committed in the first place, then we should consider ourselves damn lucky.
But in cases like my mother, who at the present time, isn’t so lucky, we must remind ourselves about how precious life is. And to NEVER take it for granted. We must also remember what was stated in the previous psalm. God is always with us and to not be fearful. Maybe this is a testament to furthering our faith in Him by trusting his faith in us. When there is a mutual agreement of faith being exchanged, there is room for hope in the regret of our past decisions. We must leave our fate in the palms of His hands.
Was there ever a time that you had no choice but to just surrender to certain times in your life that you had no control over or couldn’t change? How did this affect you? Have you or a loved one suffered so tremendously that you decided to leave those sufferings in the hands of God or a higher power you believe in?