Saturday, August 3, 2013

Embracing the Momentum to Write

Before I started this blog, I had been searching for a way to explore my mother’s story: her struggles, triumphs, rock-bottom hits, and what seemed to be a new hope; her liver transplant.  Our jobs and family time can be extremely time-consuming as they play important roles in our everyday lives.  I have been busy with my own fulltime job and commitment to my family and children’s work. I had found it hard for my mind and heart to travel down to the depths of my soul so that I could embrace the dedication and inspiration I would need to take on this project. 

A fellow author and good friend of mine suggested that I write down my feelings each and every single day.  Even if it were just a few simple sentences; simply journalize them and save them for when the time was right.  As easy as that sounded, I still struggled to reach to the core of my soul for the emotions and senses I would need to even touch upon something so delicate, moving, and most of all, worth all of the time and effort.
And then it just happened.  One day, I’m going about my business, always making sure to say “Thank you, God, for giving my mother a new liver.”  The next, my mom is hospitalized again, out of the blue, because she is running a fever and her white blood cell count is extremely low. 

My mom has been in the hospital for over a week now.  It is beginning to take a toll on all of her aspirations because her recovery went so well after the transplant.  She had the surgery on December 26th, 2012, and I truly believed that this was the second chance we had all been praying for.  However, I now realize that God has something else intended for me to do, which is to journalize my mother’s struggles, strides, and experiences.  He has reminded me that he is not finished with my family just yet, and now I have no choice but to continue to tell our story.
I’m on the beach today as I write this blog entry and it’s almost 7am.  I usually plop my chair on the sand, right between the ocean and the dunes, around this time or at sunset, when there are seldom others around.  You might think it is because I enjoy the shelter as most writers often do when they are embarking on their gift to explore and create.  Although there is some truth and formality to this, there is also a sadness that I feel when I see children playing with their parents, so I choose to sit in solitude.  When I observe a mother and father taking their child by the hand and walking him or her down to the water, ensuring them that once they are in the ocean, they will never let their tiny hands go, sorrow fills my heart.   When I gaze at a father helping his child build sand castles as the mother reaches for their lunches from the cooler, a motley color of melancholy teases my iridescent pool of memories.   


These small gestures of love and nourishment remind me of my own childhood, and the many years we spent along the Jersey shore.  Every time I stare out across this boundless sea of beauty and bliss, I think of her; my mother.  When I see and hear the waves of a thousand white deer rushing and crashing up against the sand, I remember my childhood with her.  I don’t recall my biological father because he was never there, and the father who I thought was my real dad was sent to jail when I was three years old; my sister was barely two. 


Although I would like to have a better connection with my biological father, most times, I am at a loss because he just doesn't seem to value the importance of the bond a father and daughter should have together.  I know he tries but actions speak louder than words.  I also know he raised two extraordinary boys who I'm sure he is quite proud of, however, because he was not around to watch me grow up, our relationship will always suffer and I will never receive the type of unconditional love I once was gifted from Daddy C.  This person ultimately would have died for us and strangely enough, asked us to not come visit him on the night of his murder.   
 
My step-father came into our lives when I was five, raised us, provided a third biological sister, and he is still in our lives today.  For the most part, the five of us grew together as any seemingly normal family should.  But buried beneath the facade were alcohol induced fights, verbal abuse, police officers, family scandals, the uncovering of other siblings, and a mother who wanted to have it all together but undoubtedly, did not.  These incidents may seem like they would put a damper on every single relationship they came into contact with, however, they never harmed the bond that I had with my mom as a child.  Those conditions would soon falter and wither away as time struggled to bring them to the unrecognizable life my mother would later succumb to.


The ocean that once opened up countless moments of warmth, acceptance, inspiration and irreplaceable remembrances as a child was now just a memory.  A swift wish lost within the soft breezes of the wind only to be carried off to some distant place in the back of my mind.  When I look at the sea, my heart plummets to the bottom of my stomach.  It’s simply a desolation I cannot explain nor would want anyone else in this world to have to experience. 
Was there ever a time in your life when you needed to search for the momentum to write and found it?  If so, has it helped you cope with or overcome any struggles?  If you are still trying to discover this driving force, in what ways have you tried but haven't succeeded?

18 comments:

  1. I find it very difficult to write when I'm caught up in some family drama, or worried about someone. So I truly admire your ability to be able to write this way during these trials. Perhaps it's because you are writing about the trials that makes it possible, because that is foremost in your mind. I suppose when I can't do my novel writing because I'm worried about a loved one, I should use that time to write about what I'm feeling. At least I'd be writing. So glad you shared this.

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  2. I never thought that I would have so much love and animosity at times and these feelings have compelled me to write and keep writing. My mother is so proud. She is still in the hospital but I try to spend as much time with her, often reading to her a lot of my work. I'm looking forward to exploring more and seeing where this journey takes me within my writing. Thank you for stopping by Deborah, always appreciate it!

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  3. It is very difficult for me to write during any sort of trying times so I admire you without even knowing you.

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  4. Thank you, Mike! I really appreciate your admiration and taking the time to share your thoughts with me.

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  5. Thyroid gland problems made it difficult for me to write for a while. However, once I manage to make myself start, and if I have thought out what I want to write, I also manage to keep writing until I finish it (works only for short texts like blog posts or short stories, though -- then again, I usually write short stories).

    Thinking it out before I start writing enables me to keep writing once I start, because then I know what I want to say (although, I normally outline, and there are writers who do not). Writing it down helps me feel better and more calm, even if I'm writing a story which has little or nothing to do with the problem I'm experiencing.

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    1. It's strange how I find myself writing more and more everyday now, even more so than my work with my children's book. Maybe since I am actually going through all of the emotions, the words can just pour out onto the paper. However, when I'm writing children's stories, I find myself reading my drafts over and over again, and a lot of times, stomped on the storyline or rhyme. Maybe it's because with non-fiction, I'm telling the truth. But then again, with fiction, I can make it all up so it should be even easier!

      I admire you for outlining. That is a technique that I could never really conform to but I often think that sometime it might help me, especially with the children's books. And even with the illustrations; so I have learned the hard way! Thanks for sharing, Angel

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  6. Finding momentum can be difficult sometimes, but usually once you do, the words pour out. I'm glad you found your momentum, Gina. I think emotions can block us sometimes, and it sounds like maybe that's what was happening at first for you. Congrats on pushing through.

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  7. Thank you, Kelly! I can only hope that I will keep pushing through as the momentum keeps my drive going!

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  8. Writing is a refuge when I feel down. Whether it's the particulars of sentence mechanics or the free-fall of a story unfolding, the story absorbs me in a way that drains attention from my surroundings. The only time I find it difficult to write is either when I'm distracted with other priorities or I'm physically tired. I hope writing does amazing things for you, and I pray your mother does well!

    Tony
    anthonyotten.com

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  9. Like yourself, I find it hard to write when I'm distracted or tired. I feel I'm at my best in the early hours of the morning when I'm submerged in complete and utter solitude or even during the afternoon if I'm not working. It's hard for me to write at night because I wake up extremely early so I try to catch up on emailing and networking and what not at that time. I also like to listen to epic or moving soundscapes like James Horner or Hans Zimmer, or soundscapes like Liquid Mind, 2002, and Michael Hoppe while I write.
    Thank you for sharing, Anthony! And more importantly, my mother and I thank you for your prayers!

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  10. We all have times, I think, when we MUST write, when we can't STOP writing - and other times, we have to wait for the well to fill. I've learned to to rush it, to let myself have those quiet times, and do something else - organize my notes, do research, work on the never-empty e-mailbox, and eventually, the writing always comes back, just like the sea.

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    1. This is true. Lately, with all of my thoughts colliding, I've found it hard to juggle the emails, tweets, catching up on the research, etc. I still have to find that balancing between the actual writing when I'm in the moments and networking. Thanks for sharing, Beverly!

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  11. Like others here, I find it hard to write when I'm distracted. But more so, when (subconsciously)I know something in the story isn't working. I will watch infomercials, work out, watch Bridezillas; anything to not have to go to that computer and confront whatever it is that isn't working in the story. Good for you for forging ahead despite these difficult times. I wish you and your mother the best.

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  12. Thank you so much, Quanie. Even though I've been on a writing high for the past few weeks, I too get stumped or to the point where I just need a break before I get back into it. Like yourself, I like to squeeze a good work out in before I try to conquer the computer again. It's just the balancing that I'm having a hard time focusing on lately.

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  13. What you are doing for your mother, writing her story, is a remarkable thing! I couldn't help but be deeply moved while reading this post. Growing up, I had a family life that was also consumed with fights and hard times that still haunt me, but when I was little I discovered writing as a way to escape all that. To escape the moments of fear, anger, and tears. Through writing, I was in control, and could create a world and characters that I loved.

    I am praying for you and your mother!

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  14. It brings me immense comfort and appreciation knowing that I could move you, thank you so much for your kindness toward my writing. As writers, it's important for us to use our talents to not only change ourselves and our own surroundings, but to also do the same for others. Whether we are escaping through our characters and settings or simply sharing our experiences to better the lives of others, it is all important work.

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  15. Please keep us updated on your blog!

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