As the sun turns north and autumn breeds new iridescent shades
of orange, red and yellow, I can’t help but to submit myself to the strange
power that this season has over me.
Maybe it is because my birthday is just six days before Halloween or
that I admire the feelings I get from all things being ghostly.
There is also a sentiment of warmth and coiled
remembrances that succumb from the light of my candles; reflections from the
smells as they flutter off into the pristine, crisp air. Sundry colors of fall dancing from the trees
into my window and then blending into the embraces of tiny flickering
lights. Colors are all around me, giving
me a new hope as I embellish in my recollections and what seems to be a
rollercoaster of tides that always comes with such thoughts.
Speaking of all things ghostly, I’ve experienced
two beautifully strange moments this week which have embarked on my most
treasured memories. The first apparition
was five days ago. As my head tried to
sink deep within the goose feathers of my pillow, a rush of our late father’s
scent came colliding into my nose like a wave of a thousand white deer rushing up
against the most welcoming shores. As I
continued to embrace Daddy C’s smell, I opened my eyes but there was no one there. Instead,
shadows moved against the walls, dancing around me while mocking my search for that one
lost moment I could have with him.
Everyone referred to my father as Daddy C, even my most
beloved friends and family members. He
owned that name, just as any prince or king would testify to their royal titles. Not only did it stand
for the CARING of our family and the unforgettable CHARISMA and CHARACTER he
possessed, but it also stood for the COURAGE it took him to become
sober and CLEAN during final years of his short-lived life.
.JPG)
The smell only lingered around my pillow for ten seconds and
then vanished. I even sat up and got out
of my bed to nosey around the room but he was gone. There were two things that Daddy C had always manifested through: a distinct and captivating smell as well as a
loud and unforgettable voice. I searched
my whole room and even went to the kitchen for a glass of milk but he was
nowhere to be found..JPG)
I took this as a sign that he might be hovering around,
watching me as I stumble upon the right words to bring about his story and what
his presence meant to my sister, mother and me. My sibling was, undoubtedly, his biological daughter. I, on the other hand, found out that I had a
different dad at the age of 14. You can
only imagine how devastated we were when we discovered this tragic news only because I had grown to love and respect the one father who ever truly loved my sisters and me; unconditionally. Daddy C was always showing us off to his friends and family and bugging us to spend as much time as we possibly could with him. I even believe to this day that if he were still alive, he'd have a separate shelf build into his fruit stand so my books would be on display for purchase. Because that was the type of man he was; proud and adoring of his little girls.
Unfortunately, he was murdered before I had the valor to tell him the truth. For some time, I was so angry with myself for not ever telling him. After my biological father left when I was 17, I was even more hurt during my years at college but I didn't even know how to confront the pain I felt. Nor did I even recognize the delicate feelings I had erupting inside of my heart. Instead, I got lost and masked them away with drugs and alcohol. Everyone always told me I handled grief and abandonment well. There was one person who knew this part of me but my demons destroyed our chances of ever having a happy and well-balanced life together. He was with me from college up until alcohol finally won the battle against our chances of survival three years ago.
Could my dad be trying to tell me something now that I’ve
been writing about our family? Was he
sitting here, next to me, each day as my fingers tapped away at the keyboard? Did he want me to know that I was going to be okay now and he was always watching me? There were a few instances that I truly believed I was saved by an angel; once when I overdosed on a trip in California and the other when I crashed my car after a night of partying my senior year of high school. Both instances within two years after Daddy C's death. Unfortunately, he was murdered before I had the valor to tell him the truth. For some time, I was so angry with myself for not ever telling him. After my biological father left when I was 17, I was even more hurt during my years at college but I didn't even know how to confront the pain I felt. Nor did I even recognize the delicate feelings I had erupting inside of my heart. Instead, I got lost and masked them away with drugs and alcohol. Everyone always told me I handled grief and abandonment well. There was one person who knew this part of me but my demons destroyed our chances of ever having a happy and well-balanced life together. He was with me from college up until alcohol finally won the battle against our chances of survival three years ago.
To confirm whether or not these haunted accusations
were true, what seemed to be a ghostly visit earlier in the week happened again
two nights ago. As my dad’s smell crept
through the crevices and cracks of the floors up to my nostrils, I opened my
eyes and lifted my head as quickly as I could.
This time, when I rose up from my bed, I saw a large shadow leaning
against our television stand (about eight feet away from us).
As I
stumbled out of the bed, the shadow slowly disintegrated back into the cold,
brisk air. Daddy C’s irreplaceable scent
and presence came rushing over my head like an unforgettable eclipse of
emotions, only to happen for a mere moment, then ultimately lost and landing in
some other time. A time when Daddy C was
still here; his life no longer stricken away by the hands of some ungodly entity who
still has yet to surface.
My best friend of twenty eight years called me last night. Her mother passed away in August from
cancer. The loss of her mom has been
quite tragic as they were almost inseparable.
My friend was her mother’s caretaker towards the end stages of her
illness. Since her death is still dwelling
heavy in her mind and circling around her heart, my friend has been going through an extremely
rough time. Especially since they both shared
a special bond and appeal for the autumn months.
My best friend’s phone call validated my two experiences
this week. She confided in me that she,
too, had a scent rush over her the other night.
It was the smell of her mother and it only consumed her for ten
seconds. Was this a coincidence or a
validation that our late family members are lingering around, trying to tell us
something?
I couldn’t believe it when my friend delivered this incredible
news. Like her, I believe testimonials
such as these help to lift the things which weigh heavy within our hearts and
most sacred memories. I had never
experienced Daddy C’s spirit until this past week and he died 15 years ago. Was it because I’ve been writing about his
untimely death and how it has affected our family and still does to this
day? Is my father trying to tell me something?
I told my mother about everything this morning and she too
said she felt a presence as she was getting out of bed. I couldn’t believe it! She said that she felt someone tugging or
pulling at her foot. I asked her if she
was sure and she sternly said, “Yes!” As
if I didn’t believe her; of course I did!
.JPG)
What does this all mean?
Are these apparitions happening because we like to lavish away in the
freedoms and freshness that come with open windows, long lasting candles, and
ghostly shadows against the days of September and October? .JPG)
Do you believe in ghosts?
If so, I'd love to hear about some of your experiences.
Whoo! Scary but interesting. You know, I can write about scary stuff in my novels and they never freak me out but for some reason, hearing stories like this always gives me goose pimples. I've never experienced anything like this (knock on wood!). Do you also write fiction? Certain elements of this would make a great novel I'm sure.
ReplyDeleteTrust me, Quanie, I still get goose bumps just thinking about these instances! But because I have a feeling it was probably my dad visiting, I am not scared. If it were something else, I'd be screaming and waking up my boyfriend or whoever else was in the house at the time.
DeleteGrowing up, we've lived in two houses which were believed to have been haunted. I've had many experiences with apparitions so someday, I will incorporate them with my fiction. Yes, I love writing both fiction and non-fiction=) Thanks for stopping by!
They say that Autumn is a time when spirits are awakened, so maybe that's why you, your mom, and your best friend are experiencing these presences. I do believe that Daddy C is with you now, and making himself known, not only because it's Autumn but because of the task you have taken upon yourself to write your families story. I think he's encouraging you, telling you it's the right thing to do.
ReplyDeleteI certainly do believe in ghosts . . . A few weeks ago, when I was heading off to go to bed, I turned off the living room light. As I walked toward the hallway, I looked down at my cell phone to turn it on so it could lit my way. Suddenly I felt the sensation of being touched on the top of my head, as if someone had tenderly laid their hand there for a moment. Instantly I knew it wasn't due to a natural cause; it wasn't a gust of cool air blowing from the vent above my head, because I could still feel the light pressure atop my head. I told my mom about it and she thought it was my grandma, letting me know she was there . . . My grandma died from ovarian cancer when I was only two, so I never got to know her and always wished I could've had the chance.
RIP Daddy C!
I had no idea about that, Chrys! I know Halloween is a celebration for ghouls and ghosts, but I didn't realize that it also brought about the awakenings of spirits.
ReplyDeleteThat's certainly an experience that I love to hear about. Your grandmother loved you very much, I'm sure, so your probably right. She was most likely reassuring you that she is around by giving you such a tender act of her presence. If it were anything else, as I mentioned above, I'd be running and screaming like a baby. As long as our encounters feel harmless, I'm always welcoming those acts of endearment. Thanks for sharing your story!
The first person I lost who I was really close with was my neighbor who happened to be more like a grandmother to me. Her death hit me hard when I was in college. But after I moved in with my husband, I had an experience where I could smell Margaret's sent. I looked around the room but didn't see anything. Still her scent lingered and I said hello because I believe she was watching over me.
ReplyDeleteIsn't that crazy? I've NEVER experienced scents until this past week. I've seen apparitions and things like lights going on and off, noises, heard footsteps and doorknobs turning, but never the smell of a loved one. Thanks for sharing, Kelly!
ReplyDeleteThey say that the Celts believed that Halloween or Samhain was the time of year that the barrier between our world and the Otherworld is at it's thinnest. I believe modern day Wiccans use it as a holiday to celebrate loved ones who have past. I know that I always feel like my father is riding my shoulders. And I did catch a group of five deer grazing in a suburban backyard when I recently asked from him for a sign of nature. Who knows? It definitely makes me feel better and gives me more ideas for writing.
ReplyDeleteI agree, AJ. These past few instances have triggered a mysteriousness which I can only hope to embellish more within my writing. It's been so long since I've experienced anything like this so I'm curious to see where I can take it with some of my work. Thanks for sharing! Again, I had no idea that this was the time of year where the senses of our passed loved ones become extremely heightened. Interesting.
ReplyDeleteWhat a great post! Really enjoyed reading it. So, for my input: I would no doubt be a nay sayer if I hadn't actually had an experience with this. My maternal grandfather died in 1977, I was born only the year before.. so that said, I didn't remember him, AT ALL. One year, when I was about 9, I went into the basement where we kept our extra freezer, with all the goodies in it, and I will never forget, as long as I live, seeing my grandfather's apparition! The image of him was in front of an old mattress that my Mom kept down there...I still remember it was striped. He was smiling at me from ear to ear. I remember screaming and flying up the steps so fast, I might not have touched down. My mom was upset and yelling for my dad to get down to the basement, because I told her I'd seen a man down there! Long story short, there was no man to be found. I described him to my mom as clear as I remembered... and I did remember everything. My mom suddenly thought it could be her dad - and she showed me some pictures. Holy crap! It was him, indeed. So, that was my experience with a "ghost" and it's why I totally believe in them. I wish, I knew then, that he was harmless and he was my grandfather; if I'd been older, maybe it would've been a nice 'visit' but for a kid who is seeing a ghost, there was no time for chit chat. Ever since then, I will not go down any basement/cellar. If it's past a certain hour, say, dinnertime? I ask my husband to go with me or I entice my dog down there with a treat. I am still petrified..
ReplyDeleteI also have had those small experiences with scents .. I have had some lingering scents of my Mom on occassion & I found myself wondering if she'll visit me in the basement some day... I'm anxious but scared. She and I joked about it often - and she knows how I felt about it, so maybe she'll be a little more creative.
ReplyDeleteWow Dawn...you gave me goosebumps! I don't do very well with basements and ghosts; at all! I'm always afraid to go down in my boss's basement at night when I have to shut everything down. I still remember when you guys would stay with us in Philly & Daddy C. would make us go downstairs to the first floor to turn lights off and some would go back on! I hope if or when she visits you, she doesn't play a trick by sneaking up on you in your basement. I honestly don't know what I would even do!
ReplyDeleteA poignant piece, Gina. I was tearing up slightly towards the end about your Daddy C and your friend's mother. I do believe in spirits, but for me it's usually a cool breeze touching my cheeks that I 'feel' a beloved one could be nearby. (Could be just me, of course. But there is something in those still moments when the coolness lingers and your heart swells because you miss someone). As for scents, this is what I heard from a Taoist or Buddhist, that at night, when there's a sudden burnt smell, it could be the spirit of one who passed in a fire or explosion. If it's a sudden burst of sweet flowery scent, it could be a deity passing by.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your sincere thoughts and comment, Claudine. Our ancestors are all around us, it seems. My best friend's mother has also passed by her sister in the form of a dragonfly, so she believes. What incredible gestures these spirits still leave behind as they reassure how much they love us. I'm happy to hear that you, too, have had pleasant experiences:)
ReplyDeleteI've never written anything like this, beautifully done. I was knotting upside. I am a believer in anything is possible. I've not had this type of experience, but I've had some powerful deja vu moments. Could be the same thing, but honestly, I'm not sure. My family roots are Native American, some Gypsy, Mexican, and French, who settled in the Southwest. I grew up hearing stories of a questionable nature. So yes, I do believe there are things we can't explain.
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ReplyDeleteThank you, Brenda. Deja vu can be very powerful. I've often wondered about how those moments can make us feel like we are in the exact time and place as we once were before. It's strange, isn't it? All of these experiences, whether they are haunting or as though time repeating itself, are unexplainably beautiful.
ReplyDeleteLived in a very old (late 1700's) house that had a ghost. Said ghost did not do anything interesting, except there was a door s/he didn't like being closed - ghost would open it most nights, despite keyed deadbolts. In the morning, it would be open. Sometimes it would peer in my bedroom window which scared the holy crap outta me.
ReplyDeleteI do believe in ghosts, but that said, I don't know what they are. The spirits of dead loved ones - or our longings/imaginings/etc. giving them shape/sound/odor? Either way, it can't hurt to honor those we loved and still miss.
That would scare the holy crap out of me too, Beverly. I guess one of the main reasons why I wasn't so scared of this "presence" because it smelled like my father. And since I haven't "experienced" him since he passed away fifteen years ago, I welcomed this entity even more.
ReplyDeleteI also grew up living in haunted houses. Two to be exact and my grandmother's old house in Camden was extremely stressed with spirits. Those ones weren't so good because they literally tortured my mother and aunt when they were children and teens. And then one day, those ghosts seemed to vanish because when my sister and I began sleeping there, we were never bothered by them. Interesting now that I reminisce.
As far as one of the houses which we grew up in, we always heard loud banging from the basement or in the middle room closet; like a hammer against a wall. My mother also saw a little boy from time to time by the foot of her bed. Just thinking about it gives me the chills.
Thanks for sharing!
I believe that our similar experiences happened the same night as a confirmation to each other. When you had text me about the Daddy C smell,I could not wait to tell you about moms smell that evening.
ReplyDeleteI still can't believe how connected our experiences were that week. I truly believe that both these instances have been a testament of not only our faith, but the love and comfort we still feel from our loved ones who have passed on. Your mom and Daddy C are probably having tea and crumpets together while as they sit and discover all of the mischief we got away with when we were younger=)
DeleteVery interesting post, Gina. I too have lived in haunted houses, and in fact, had planned a series of posts about my experiences for the month of October, to celebrate Halloween. My experiences have not been so friendly, and no visits from loved ones who have passed on. Yet oddly, I'm not afraid of spirits, and don't actually believe in them, even though I experienced them. I don't know what these strange experiences are, or how to explain them. But the ones you had of your Daddy C, and those others had in these comments of experiencing the departed, I think I would treasure as signs that there is more to reality than we will ever understand here in this lifetime.
ReplyDeleteI agree, Deborah. Although my beliefs might differ from those of your own, I'm sure we can all come to an understanding that there is definitely more to this world which we experience and observe each day.
DeleteI will definitely be looking forward to your posts this October. I have one or two more up my sleeve about the not-so-friendly instances my family has experienced growing up.
Thanks for sharing!
As another autumn birth (mid-November), I can relate to the mix of strange and familiar feelings that comes with September. The air smells like woodsmoke and rotting leaves, the sky turns a painfully bright blue, the wind is alternately soft and sharp. There's something about the atmosphere of October that incites a deep feeling of being alive - not to mention the otherworldly look of jack-o-lanterns and fake tombstones. I have trouble believing in ghosts, metaphysically, but fall still carries a sense of things beyond understanding. I think its vivid smells, tastes, and textures summon up more memories than anything - perhaps those could be our ghosts.
ReplyDeleteVery descriptive, Anthony. You might be right; maybe its the vividly familiar smells surrounding us that remind us of our loved ones. Or MAYBE, they are actually there, hovering around us in the thin air, reminding us about their love when we need it the most. My birthday is also in autumn, just five days before Halloween. This is probably why I am so inclined to get lost in the scents and spirits of my past=)
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